What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
