dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
