Where is the hickey?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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