please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
