I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
