sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
