I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
