Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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