Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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