Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
