i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
How external is "for external use only"?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
