Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Found the puke drawer
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
