I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
We named our party play list daddy issues
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just had sex on a roof
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
