how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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