Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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