I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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