If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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