someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
