I just cut my nipple shaving
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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