i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
