Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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