I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
