you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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