Betty ford says i'm here all night
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
