the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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