Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
