Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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