Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
