So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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