Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
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