Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
