I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
