The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
