it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You've changed since you got that strap on
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
