Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
