A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
