WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
