At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
