He had one of those small greek statue penises
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My Sexting was not on an AP level
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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