So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
