I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
