And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
