What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
