I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
