I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
