Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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