I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
