you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
did you just send me my own nude
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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