I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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