theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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