I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
