HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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