Can i not drive my cunt home
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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